I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
