38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
