woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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