Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
