You're so nebulous sometimes
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
