Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
