I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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