We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
