My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
