Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
