I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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