A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
