today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
