It's Friday. Sex?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
