I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
