i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
