Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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