i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am spending my child support on dildos
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
