I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
