I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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