You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
