They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
