Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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