Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
