I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
