God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
