I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
