i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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