I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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