This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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