I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
