You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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