ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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