I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
