Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
