Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
