I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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