Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize