Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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