barbara walters just said penis...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How does one acquire holy water?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
