OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
