just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Watching her eat just hurts me
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
