he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
