He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
