Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
