i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
