if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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