i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I need help removing her.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
