How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
