Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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