Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
