Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
