i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
