i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
